Buck, where’s the bathroom?” Elton said as he finished another form. He thought he could hold it for a bit more, but the dam was about ready to burst. His heat meter had him deep into a hot streak; the indicator on his taskbar was literally on fire, with a 24x multiplayer, and his goal was to reach LVL 3 by close of business. This bathroom break might set him back all the way to the blue, but he couldn’t hold it any longer.
        “Down that hall and on the right. I’m surprised you made it that long, chugging coffee like that.”
        Elton, who had never had coffee before today, wasn’t sure what to make of that but was too uncomfortable to ask as he lit off down the hall in the direction Buck had gestured.
        Elton’s rush to the restroom was stopped by a locked door and a badge scanner. Upon scanning his badge, he was greeted by a harsh beep that could only mean “access denied.” He jiggled the handle anyway, dancing on his tiptoes from discomfort.
        He tried his badge again. Another angry beep. Then he spotted it: a QR code on the door, captioned “Pre-Excretion Restroom Safety Checklist.”
        He rolled his eyes and scanned the QR with his work phone, shifting anxiously while the page loaded.
When the page appeared, it read, “PEEG has taken a stand. Safety. For Everyone. Everywhere. All the Time. That motto is more than empty words to plaster on posters and signs; it is a commitment, and it includes restrooms. Please complete the following checklist to help PEEG keep its commitments to you and our community.”
        Elton clicked next.
        “Restroom Number ________.” Elton looked around the area and spotted a 69LR on the door. He typed it in and hit submit.
        “Employee name ________.” Elton hurriedly typed his name and hit submit, still dancing back and forth on his toes.
        “Gender assigned at birth ________.”
        “Gender at present ________.”
        “PEEG asks all employees to treat all others with respect, including all matters related to a person’s identity, including their chosen gender identity, and to recognize that gender identities may be trans, fluid, or non-binary, agender, cis, or many others. We are a diverse and inclusive workplace. Harassment related to a person’s race, ethnicity, sexuality, disabled status or gender identity of any kind will not be tolerated and will be grounds for termination.”
        Elton’s knees buckled as he desperately banged his left fist on the door, praying in vain that someone would open it from the other side and spare him this torture, while his right hand continued to fill out the checklist.
        “Employee Badge Number ________.” Again, he answered.
        “Date and time.” Why the fuck isn’t that auto-populated? Elton cursed as he worked the scroll bars to put in a date.
        “Excretion type.” He scrolled through the list of options: Lactation, Menstruation, Oral Regurgitation, Defecation, Hemorrhaging, and finally, Urination. His discomfort was turning to anger.
        “Estimated mass of excretion.”
        How the fuck am I supposed to know that? Elton thought as he scrolled through the option ranges before selecting 700-1000mL.
        “The amount of urine selected exceeds the rated capacity of a standard human bladder. Holding one’s urine is a violation of SAFE-115-LRN. In the future, please ensure that you are taking bathroom breaks in a safe and timely manner. An overfull bladder can result in numerous health problems, ranging from bladder infection and ulcers to death.”
        Elton checked “I understand,” and clicked “Next.”
        “Excretion urgency.” A range of bubbles, 1-5, with slight on one end and severe on the other.
        Upon selecting severe, a box popped up, “Sudden severe bowel movements can be a sign of multiple conditions, ranging from mild to life-threatening. If urgent bowel movements are frequent, please seek medical assistance.”
        Elton clicked “I understand.”
        “Holding one’s urine or feces for an extended period of time can have severe consequences and is potentially life-threatening. PEEG values its employees’ health, safety, and well-being, therefore, it is a violation of SAFE-115-LRN to delay restroom breaks.”
        Elton clicked “I understand,” again.
        Another paragraph popped up, “The Employee Assistance Program has tools in place to assist employees in receiving any medical assistance they may require. Would you like the number of the Employee Assistance Program?”
        Elton frantically checked “No.”
        “If you change your mind, the Employee Assistance Program number can be found in the New Hire Handbook and on the PEEG Benefits Homepage.”
        Somehow Elton found the strength to click “I understand.” The alternative of smashing his work phone, relieving himself on the door, and walking himself out of the building was becoming attractive.
“Your responses indicate you intend to urinate. Please complete the following pre-urination checklist prior to completing your urinary evacuation.”
        “Please sanitize all surfaces before coming into contact with them.”
“Please walk in a safe, calm, and controlled manner while in the restroom and in all PEEG facilities. Restroom floors may be wet and pose a slipping hazard.”
        Elton pounded away at the “Next” button, only reading what appeared because the text flowed onto the screen at the cripplingly slow rate of a below average reader, and the buttons did not appear until all the text had revealed itself.
        “Please close the stall doors to ensure privacy for yourself and others.”
        “Do not speak or make eye contact with others while in the restroom unless there is an urgent need to do so. Social contact in restrooms can be a severe source of discomfort and anxiety for some individuals. We strive to be a safe, diverse, and inclusive workplace.”
        “It is common courtesy to avoid using adjacent stalls whenever possible while in the restroom.”
        “Seek medical assistance if any of the following occur: itching, burning, swelling, redness, bleeding, or an erection lasting longer than four hours. For more information, contact the Employee Assistance Program.”
“Always urinate from a seated posture. Standing urination can result in accidental contamination of surfaces and represents a public health risk. Standing urination is a violation of SAFE-115-LRN.”
        “In the event of a spill, clean the spill in accordance with the toxic waste standards section in accordance with SAFE-115-LRN, and contact the biological waste spill hotline number.”
        “Wash your hands before leaving the restroom. Failure to wash one’s hands before exiting the restroom is a violation of SAFE-115-LRN and will result in disciplinary measures and may be subject to criminal penalties.”
        “Please familiarize yourself with SAFE-115-LRN, our Corporate Safe Restroom Use Policy.”
A forty-page PDF document was attached, which Elton scrolled to the bottom of as quickly as possible to enable the clicking of a box next to text stating, “I have read and agree to the policies of SAFE-115-LRN.”
        “You have completed the Pre-Excretion Restroom Safety Checklist. Please scan your badge and proceed to stall 8. Thank you.”
        Elton scanned his badge, sighed in relief, and sprinted to the stall.